Say I Won't.

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Ok...so they say that confession is good for the soul.  So here I go.  (Cue theme song to "Young and the Restless" as I take the stand...now.)

As I surf from site to site and chat with one Naturalista after the next, I find that there is an unwritten cardinal rule that should never be broken.  There is a line that is drawn in the sand of infinity that should never be crossed.  There is a cardinal sin that is so vile...so debasing and unforgivable that it may bring into question the very validity of Naturalista membership:

NEVER LET WHITE FOLKS TOUCH YOUR HAIR.

If they ask, say "No."  Apparently there are many techniques to execute this shut down:

1) You can give the polite Bougie Babe, "I'd rather you didn't, THA-ANKS!"(Complete with frenemy smile.)

2) You can pull the Sistah-Gurl Sarcasm with, "Girl, what? (Open throat laugh) Nah, Boo...BYE!"(Complete with side eye.)

3) You can deliver with laser focus the Naturalista X speech in which you enlighten the poor, ignorant one on the social ramifications and historical mis-teachings behind their ludicrous request. "For 400 years the Black race has endured their personal boundaries becoming the play ground for the White Establishment......" (Complete with concerned stare of disappointment and disapproval)

4) Or you can simply do the NBA Manuever and block the shot toward your loc! (Jackie Chan style speed!)

Either way, the Sisterhood has made it clear to all who would enter into the Circle...do not let these people ask you dumb questions about your hair and for the love of all that is righteous do not let them  touch your hair.  Period.

You know where this is going, don't you?  Maybe you haven't known me long enough to guess... 

 Confession:  YAAASSSSSS,  I'VE BROKEN THE RULE!!

I've done it many times, your Honor!  And I will probably do it again! (cue my utter collapse on the witness stand.)  

 I have answered some truly silly questions about my hair and my regimen.  I have answered some really great questions, too!  I have held some really intelligent, philosophical conversations about hair and femininity and race and how all of that ties the female gender together...and sets us apart...and sometimes sets us against each other.  I would say that I have had the Forbidden Request issued to me EQUALLY from Whites and Blacks!  YES..BLACK GIRLS WANNA TOUCH MY HAIR!! You should have seen me sweat as I frantically searched my mental index for the subsections to this rule book to see if it did not apply if another one of my own race asked!  Where the heck were the amendments??  Who is editing this rule book anyway??  

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"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or last; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoings, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV

Listen, I don't judge anyone for having their personal boundaries.  Do what makes you comfortable and gives your soul peace.  All I am asking is that you do not judge me for doing what gives my soul peace.  Sometimes we can choose to exercise a little bit of patience and understanding and it can go a long way to build bridges between females.  I have White sisters who have bi-racial children and White sisters who have adopted Black children and White sisters who have Black adopted/step siblings.  Can't they catch a pass on this unwritten rule?  They have bridges to build!  I have White sisters who want to know better so they can say and do and believe better! I applaud you if you genuinely want to understand the complexities of textured, ethnic hair.   And if a 10 second moment (I think longer than that should come with dinner and a movie) during which I demystify this one physical feature that has been such a point of social and sexual contention for hundreds of years can assist them toward understanding...I will consent.  

In that moment you will connect with a part of my soul.  You will connect with an inanimate object that somehow conveys life.  I will forgive you if your purposes are self serving for asking and touching because the only thing that changed is that now I know how you think whereas before I could only postulate.  But the opportunity to show the patience of love and the hope of love in believing you really want to educate yourself will most times be under my heavy consideration.  I don't like leaving the awkward moment knowing that may have been a moment of enlightenment and reconciliation for both of us.  Don't get me wrong, I am not open to being a 24/7 petting zoo! It's not that serious and it is a judgement call.  I don't always say, "Yes." .... But don't say I won't.

The "Anti-Naturalista"

Afro Moments by Wendy Nikolle'

So, what is a "Naturalista" anyway?  Well, I guess since its a completely invented word, it can mean almost anything! LOL!  But, my definition is a woman who lives by the intangible.  She enjoys keeping her life and her look in an organic state.  No, I don't mean "raised with out chemicals" organic.  Although, that may apply at times!  I mean organic as is full of the life that flows from the inside.  Her home is filled with life.  Her workplace is affected by her "life energy".  Her personal style flows from her life energy, not from a desire to keep up with trends set by outward influences.  That doesn't mean she is never trendy...it just means that she wouldn't pick up a trend if it did not truly reflect her inner self.  Now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about the "Anti-Naturalista"!

Going natural is one of the hottest trends out there right now.  When done by a Naturalista for personal and sincere reasons, it is a great expression of self-contentment and positive confidence.  When done by an "Anti-Naturalista", it becomes a mundane series of conversations about hair typing, fighting shrinkage, and streams of self pics documenting length and curl definition.  I see you're about to throw a handful of Eco Styler in my face!  Just give me a second!!! I am NOT saying that chats about products and techniques are not necessary when caring for our delicate coils.  I am saying that when I get an email from you and the first item you address after greeting me is always an offer to send me a new pic of your latest hair status or a detailed description of how bouncy your curls were after treatment thus and such.......sigh.......I think you might be an Anti-Naturalista.

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Lisy2 by Wendy Nikolle'

II Timothy 3:6-7  "For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of truth." ESV

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Now, this verse was the apostle Paul warning Timothy, a young pastor, of how to spot false teachers and false prophets.  Even in Biblical times there were those who were using Christianity as a means to emotionally manipulate people.  Wow.  Not that my hair is NEARLY as crucial as my SOUL, but I can't help but see a parallel between sisters who become emotionally crippled by depending on false doctrine that feeds their insecurities and sisters who become obsessed with commentary on their tresses because it affirms their beauty.  The women Paul was talking about were injured and damaged, therefore it was easy for these manipulators to capture their attention.  Also, they were band wagoners.  Wherever the running fad is coming from is where they want to be.  Where they NEED to be.  This gives them a sense of belonging.  Talking incessantly about our hair does not help us "belong" with each other.  It keeps us distracted FROM each other.  We become trapped in a constant cycle of narcissism; identifying with our hair rather than letting the hair become part of our identity. 

Let's try a fresh approach.  Let's talk about our hair as much as we talk about our teeth or our kneecaps.  Naturalistas set their hair free from the pretense of chemical processing NOT so they can draw attention to their waves every chance they get.  They do it because they want their hair to be as free as their spirit.  Don't entertain Anti-Naturalista's in their obsessions.  There may be some deeper emotional and spiritual needs there that manifest in their hair fetish.  Let's encourage our girlfriends to define themselves not their curl type.

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Rep yo' Frat!

Harlem by XSUDEZ

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When you go natural after spending years relaxing your hair, you join a somewhat sacred sorority!  I didn't realize that I had even been initiated until the first time I passed a fellow "Big Chop" whom I didn't know and she gave me a knowing smile and polite head nod.  I instinctively did the same...what is that?  A secret handshake?!  It isn't something you have to talk about with EVERY natural sister you meet...its this silent understanding that behind that new strut brimming with self-assured confidence there is a vanity full of shea butter, aloe juice, miscellaneous conditioners and random oils that are being mixed and matched to DEATH searching for the magic combo to grow the fro!!  Too much!! I just want to get everyone letter jackets and learn a step routine! LOL!!  All the members of Nu Phi Lambda (Natural for Life) throw your sign in the air! ROFLMBO!!

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Quintessence by Wendy Nikolle'

Psalm 133:1 "Behold how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!"

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Sisters of all shades don't always get along like we should.  It's like Spike Lee's "School Daze".... but without all the cool musical numbers.  Personally, I don't want to hear anything about racism from any of us until we can treat each other with a little more respect.  Affirming our different shapes and hues creates an environment of security that allows us all to blossom in a healthy way.  We are all more beautiful when the beauty is reflected off of each other.  There is no skin too dark or too light, no hair too silky or woolly and no body too lean or thick that we cannot admire and encourage each other in our efforts to bring out our best "selves".  I think that's what the Master Artist had in mind when he pulled the colors from the sun and earth and painted his children.  After all...when the letter jacket goes on, aren't we suddenly all wearing the same colors?

Getting closer to me...

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There were several issues I had to settle before I did "The Big Chop"! 
Issue Number One: "How do I prep myself for the cultural kickback on letting go of my long locks of relaxed hair?" 

My relaxer was installed every 4-6 weeks by my Dominican sisters (whom I still fiercely believe are the baddest chicks on the PLANET for a blow out!).  Growing my hair has never been an issue and I think that is because I never obsessed over it.  My philosophy has always been that hair just grows.  So, let it do its thing and if you don't like how its looking, get a bossy hair cut! Unfortunately, I was painfully aware that one of the features that was always casually mentioned in my physical description by others was that my hair (paired with my skin tone) make me look like a Dominican! Hmmm.  Now, I know that was supposed to be a compliment.  But that is what made me think the most.  Why would that be a compliment? Why would it never be a compliment to say how someone's hair makes them look like a Black girl?  Was the concept of just having typical (if there is such a thing) Black hair social aesthetic suicide?  Would the same people who showered me with vain glory and compliments do so if my hair was just...me?

There was something disturbing the heart of me when it came to my hair that I just couldn't pinpoint.  This coming from a chick who has rocked Jheri Curls, Leisure Curls, Wave Nouveau, and relaxers!  This coming from a chick who grew her hair down past her shoulder blades and then cut it a la Toni Braxton!  Let's not even start on hair color!!! I think that even as a child I knew something was wrong with needing a "touch up" to be myself.  Now, just to be clear, I don't have a problem with other girls rocking their relaxers....do you! But that is my point...it was never me.  It was a me that was chosen for me at a young age and that I was being CONSTANTLY told by society (yes, I mean Black folks!) made me pretty!  And the worst part of it is that I did NOT naturally possess the silky, open curls that would (in the opinion of the same Black folks!) justify my letting go of processing my hair.  I felt like I was trapped in a very dysfunctional cycle and my own people were perpetuating it!  The final straw was when my 4 yr. old daughter let me know in no uncertain terms that she wanted long, beautiful hair like her FILIPINA classmate!  She then buried me with the observation that her hair was not pretty like my hair and she wanted to make her hair like mine! Checkmate.

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Romans 12:2  "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Now this verse is talking about the renewing of your mind by the acceptance of Jesus Christ's love and redemption!  However, it is profound that the principle applies to every aspect of your life if you are ever to be 100% Natural from the inside out.  It does not say be transformed that you will be more acceptable to man.  Or in the case of we the Sisterhood, men!  It says transforming the mind will help us to discern what is good and acceptable and perfect in God's sight.  Basically, transformation allows you to be able to blossom into the being that He, the Master Artist, had in mind when carving you in your mother's womb.  Some may say that God is not concerned with the outside appearance of us.  And to some degree that is true.  But I find it hard pressed to believe that a God who created such a vast variety of flowers, birds, butterflies and other colorful, graceful, awe striking things would not find simple pleasure in His ULTIMATE creation (yes, that would be YOU!) intelligently and intentionally expressing unashamed satisfaction with the vessel in which he planted our souls! 

Solution to Issue Number One: "Transform my mind!"