Say I Won't.

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Ok...so they say that confession is good for the soul.  So here I go.  (Cue theme song to "Young and the Restless" as I take the stand...now.)

As I surf from site to site and chat with one Naturalista after the next, I find that there is an unwritten cardinal rule that should never be broken.  There is a line that is drawn in the sand of infinity that should never be crossed.  There is a cardinal sin that is so vile...so debasing and unforgivable that it may bring into question the very validity of Naturalista membership:

NEVER LET WHITE FOLKS TOUCH YOUR HAIR.

If they ask, say "No."  Apparently there are many techniques to execute this shut down:

1) You can give the polite Bougie Babe, "I'd rather you didn't, THA-ANKS!"(Complete with frenemy smile.)

2) You can pull the Sistah-Gurl Sarcasm with, "Girl, what? (Open throat laugh) Nah, Boo...BYE!"(Complete with side eye.)

3) You can deliver with laser focus the Naturalista X speech in which you enlighten the poor, ignorant one on the social ramifications and historical mis-teachings behind their ludicrous request. "For 400 years the Black race has endured their personal boundaries becoming the play ground for the White Establishment......" (Complete with concerned stare of disappointment and disapproval)

4) Or you can simply do the NBA Manuever and block the shot toward your loc! (Jackie Chan style speed!)

Either way, the Sisterhood has made it clear to all who would enter into the Circle...do not let these people ask you dumb questions about your hair and for the love of all that is righteous do not let them  touch your hair.  Period.

You know where this is going, don't you?  Maybe you haven't known me long enough to guess... 

 Confession:  YAAASSSSSS,  I'VE BROKEN THE RULE!!

I've done it many times, your Honor!  And I will probably do it again! (cue my utter collapse on the witness stand.)  

 I have answered some truly silly questions about my hair and my regimen.  I have answered some really great questions, too!  I have held some really intelligent, philosophical conversations about hair and femininity and race and how all of that ties the female gender together...and sets us apart...and sometimes sets us against each other.  I would say that I have had the Forbidden Request issued to me EQUALLY from Whites and Blacks!  YES..BLACK GIRLS WANNA TOUCH MY HAIR!! You should have seen me sweat as I frantically searched my mental index for the subsections to this rule book to see if it did not apply if another one of my own race asked!  Where the heck were the amendments??  Who is editing this rule book anyway??  

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"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or last; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoings, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV

Listen, I don't judge anyone for having their personal boundaries.  Do what makes you comfortable and gives your soul peace.  All I am asking is that you do not judge me for doing what gives my soul peace.  Sometimes we can choose to exercise a little bit of patience and understanding and it can go a long way to build bridges between females.  I have White sisters who have bi-racial children and White sisters who have adopted Black children and White sisters who have Black adopted/step siblings.  Can't they catch a pass on this unwritten rule?  They have bridges to build!  I have White sisters who want to know better so they can say and do and believe better! I applaud you if you genuinely want to understand the complexities of textured, ethnic hair.   And if a 10 second moment (I think longer than that should come with dinner and a movie) during which I demystify this one physical feature that has been such a point of social and sexual contention for hundreds of years can assist them toward understanding...I will consent.  

In that moment you will connect with a part of my soul.  You will connect with an inanimate object that somehow conveys life.  I will forgive you if your purposes are self serving for asking and touching because the only thing that changed is that now I know how you think whereas before I could only postulate.  But the opportunity to show the patience of love and the hope of love in believing you really want to educate yourself will most times be under my heavy consideration.  I don't like leaving the awkward moment knowing that may have been a moment of enlightenment and reconciliation for both of us.  Don't get me wrong, I am not open to being a 24/7 petting zoo! It's not that serious and it is a judgement call.  I don't always say, "Yes." .... But don't say I won't.

Happy to be Nappy?

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Recently I was in conversation with a beloved and beautiful, natural sister who made a few very disturbing statements.  She seems not to understand why any woman with a hair texture more pronounced than a 3c (I ONLY use that term to help bring visual context) would go natural anyway.  There does not seem to be any beauty in those textures to her eye (she herself being about a 3a with very fine strands).  She has developed a quote that she teasingly claims she wants to put on a t-shirt, "Natural is Beautiful.  Nappy is Not!"  I think this was meant to be a comment toward sisters whose texture is just too tight to try a little harder not to let those dry, kinky tendencies show!  Now y'all know I was totally red, right?!  But, seeing as she is my senior I sufficed to respond to her, "Well, unfortunately my DNA says, 'Nappy', so..."  I saw the slight change in her face as I think she picked up that she may have offended me a bit.  But I tried not rub it in.  And I also sensed that this would be the wrong time to school my elder on the "New School" philosophies of natural hair. To be fair, she is not the only "mature" lady to comment on my Nouveau Boheme hair expression.  A dear sister at church (also a natural, kept in a neatly trimmed fade and always gelled for maximum 3a curl definition) RELIGIOUSLY asks me, "Child! What you gonna do with that head?" EVERY TIME she sees me...audience notwithstanding!  I actually think that as my 'fro continues to expand, she is genuinely getting more and more concerned!  Even my own mother has let an off-color comment slip everynow and then!  She has made it abundantly clear that her favorite look on myself and my two daughters is dependable, predictable twists.  "Afterall, twists CAN go in a ponytail! AND you can better see how LONG your hair REALLY is!", as she self-conciously pats in her own 3b TWA.

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One of the basic tenants of the Naturalista Movement is unapologetic acceptance of your natural texture, no matter what it may be.  This still seems to escape some.  The elephant in the Naturalista room is that being natural is cool, AS LONG AS you can manage to achieve some level of curl definition or silky appearance.  Otherwise, why on earth would you go natural at all, right?  It is like we mentally still bear the scars of the slave chains that used to wrap around our wrists.  The choice to freely express your ethnicity is OK, just as long as it doesn't embarrass me by fitting into a stereotype that I desperately want to leave behind!  I would go as far as saying that "Nappy" is the new "N" word.  Even those of us who accept the texture as having its own beauty can shudder if someone mentions the word "Nappy".  So what is a girl to do when the "N" word actually does apply?

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Alter Ego by Wendy Nikolle'

"Be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 ESV

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One must remember to be gracious to those who came up in a different time or culture than what we are in now.  If someone 20+ years your senior who has gone natural but still insists on religiously straightening her hair and shuns any treatment regimens that include methods that may seem too "ethnic" criticizes your wild twist-out, rebellious fro-hawk or motherland Bantu knots, be gentle with your judgement of their mentality and intentions.  They have their reasons why they feel the way they feel.  Their beauty has also been placed on the measuring scales of society by many before you and there is no telling by what means they were conditioned to judge that beauty.  This is an awkward time for the matrons of our respective ethnic backgrounds.  Times have changed and sisters are generally embracing a more irreverent and less standardized system of beauty.  For every head shake or question mark expression I receive from the mothers, I get 25 complements from both men and women of ALL ethnicities who are generally WITHIN my generation! This perception differential can drive a wedge even further between ourselves and the women who desire to mentor us if we allow it.  And insulting their intellectual or spiritual aptitude based upon a misdirected opinion is not really fair to them. Nor is it edifying to our own souls. The healing that takes place on the journey of embracing the "you" God created should also extend to those who may not fully espouse the concept in totality.  "Angry Naturalista" is NOT the business!  Just ain't a good look, ya know?

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So, we should learn to pick our battles.  Learn that not every woman of color is going to agree with you.  They may be smiling dead in your face and secretly thanking God, "At least I don't have THAT hair!"  That should be forgiven.  They may be rambling on and on about how they only need water and a dime of conditioner for their locks and just don't understand all this oil and butter that everyone is ranting about.  Let it go.  Bloom the Naturalista from the inside out.  Your crown begins to glow when the texture of your heart is seen rather than the texture of your hair.

Rep yo' Frat!

Harlem by XSUDEZ

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When you go natural after spending years relaxing your hair, you join a somewhat sacred sorority!  I didn't realize that I had even been initiated until the first time I passed a fellow "Big Chop" whom I didn't know and she gave me a knowing smile and polite head nod.  I instinctively did the same...what is that?  A secret handshake?!  It isn't something you have to talk about with EVERY natural sister you meet...its this silent understanding that behind that new strut brimming with self-assured confidence there is a vanity full of shea butter, aloe juice, miscellaneous conditioners and random oils that are being mixed and matched to DEATH searching for the magic combo to grow the fro!!  Too much!! I just want to get everyone letter jackets and learn a step routine! LOL!!  All the members of Nu Phi Lambda (Natural for Life) throw your sign in the air! ROFLMBO!!

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Quintessence by Wendy Nikolle'

Psalm 133:1 "Behold how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!"

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Sisters of all shades don't always get along like we should.  It's like Spike Lee's "School Daze".... but without all the cool musical numbers.  Personally, I don't want to hear anything about racism from any of us until we can treat each other with a little more respect.  Affirming our different shapes and hues creates an environment of security that allows us all to blossom in a healthy way.  We are all more beautiful when the beauty is reflected off of each other.  There is no skin too dark or too light, no hair too silky or woolly and no body too lean or thick that we cannot admire and encourage each other in our efforts to bring out our best "selves".  I think that's what the Master Artist had in mind when he pulled the colors from the sun and earth and painted his children.  After all...when the letter jacket goes on, aren't we suddenly all wearing the same colors?